Talking Trash

I just committed an unspeakable act. I'm waiting for white-gloved immigration officials to pound on my door at any second revoking my work visa (hmm, I'd probably just hand it over without much of a fight). Or maybe some Chinese forces will come with wooden clubs and just take care of me, the way they've been doing to all those dogs. My crime: I took out the trash. I couldn't help it, it was stinking and my whole apartment was beginning to smell and some weird liquid was dripping from my cute pink trashcan and so, and so, and so....I just did it. I tied it in a little plastic shopping bag, looked both ways, tried to avoid eye contact with the security guard down the street, but he still bowed. Then, I winded around through some of the narrow streets in my neighborhood. I would've left it nearby, but someone saw me and I couldn’t have a witness. Plus, the closer I was to home the more likely they could trace it back to me. So I kept walking and walking until I found a very sensible spot near what looked like a street sweeper's broom and trash bin. That’s not really littering, right? I left it there but then I heard a rumbling of someone who might have see me so I ran down the street. I kept checking behind me to make sure I wasn't being followed...seriously, I was afraid of being followed because in Tokyo TRASH RULES ARE VERY IMPORTANT. The thing is that the trash rules they gave me when I moved into my apartment are in Japanese and I don't really understand them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all about recycling, but this is ridiculous. I don't know one person (foreigner or Japanese) who hasn't been yelled at, evicted, or in one case, practically lynched by his neighbors, for messing up these coveted trash rules. The trash rules aren't the same for every "ward" or neighborhood. I live in the Shibuya ward so they have their own rules here. I think it goes like this: On Monday and Tuesday I can take out "combustibles" or foods and paper and things that can be burnt. On Wednesday I can take out "non-combustibles," or plastics and metals and other non-burnable items and on Fridays, we'll I'm not really sure, newspapers, I think. Who the hell knows? And if you need to take out furniture or cardboard boxes or big things, you have to call the city in advance to warn them that there will be some large garbage…The whole thing is so confusing that a few times I took my trash into the office with me so I could throw it away safely there....But tonight, I was home working and I just started to smell my old food. It needed to go. I was desperate. (Oh yeah, and you're also supposed to put them in certain types of trash bags. Plastics should be in clear plastic bags tied with one white tie at the top….Metals in a gray bag, etc....But I don't know where to buy these bags. I haven't seen them at any of my usual stores. Maybe there's some sort of trash store that specializes in this type of thing?) Honestly, trash in Tokyo is one of those things that might always be a mystery to me, like how to dip soba noodles in your soup, scoop them out with your chopsticks and eat them without splattering soup all over the place...and how to bow while walking, which I find very difficult, if not impossible, to do properly. A simple wave would be much easier...